Tag Archive for: Autism

Creativity Heals

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I’m not a therapist.

I’m not an expert on mental health……..But, it (mental health) is something I’m grappling with constantly.

I wanted to end this over the New Year. New Year’s Eve to be precise.

This came off of the back of a euphoric high a couple of days prior to this depressive low. I experienced another brief high last night. I connected with an old friend from London Business School whom I hadn’t seen in 10 years. I hoped to carry that positive momentum a little longer…

But I’ve woken up feeling low again.

I have ADHD (as well as autism). This means I have fewer dopamine receptors in my brain than people without ADHD. As a result, ADHD strongly correlates with depression.

There is no magic cure for this. Believe me I’ve tried anti depressants and ADHD meds…

I know what works for me…

It’s a blend of community and creativity.

Today, I woke up. Dopamine levels low. ADHD winning. Depression draped over me like cumulus clouds.

I could have surrendered to this. I wanted to surrender. But…I got up, logged onto London Writer Salon’s Weekend Writer’s Group. I did my morning pages. I wrote with my community.

Do I feel eutrophic right now?

No.

But, I feel better. Creativity is a balm. Creativity…I think latent creativity is a huge cause of my mental health issues that I’ve continued to grapple with since I was 5. In case you’re wondering, I’m 40 now.

But, a simple choice, involving morning pages and creativity (in community) has shifted my mind and led to this blog post.

I’m feeling better, but I won’t leave things to chance. I’m autistic and am part of an autistic theatre group. I’ll be joining them later today to rehearse for a Theatre Showcase where I’ll be performing.

More creativity.

More community.

More creativity in community.

“Latent creativity is not benign.” – Chase Jarvis

Living With Autism and ADHD

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I have autism and ADHD.

I’m 40 years old and I received my diagnosis for both conditions when I was 39 years old.

I won’t pretend to be a guru about either condition. I’m doing my best to furiously sprint up an insanely steep learning curve to understand both conditions.

Both neurodiverse brain types have great advantages (hyper – focus, creativity, etc) but they also come with challenges.

An inability to regulate is a major challenge. I struggle to regulate my focus (ADHD) and I struggle to regulate my emotions and reactions (ADHD and autism).

One of the things that has plagued me has been how to navigate social interactions.

I don’t always understand context or boundaries in conversation. If someone opens up and shares information with me, I do the same. But I don’t understand what I can and can’t share. I can’t figure out what details to include and what details to exclude.

Autism, or at least my experience with my autism, it makes me view things in a binary way.

You get all the details of my life or an anecdote or none.

This is tricky in social interactions because at best, you’ll bore the shit of someone.

Worst case scenario? You’ll upset someone because of details that could be triggering or just plain unnecessary.

I’ve lost friendships this way. Only recently I had a chat where I struggled with context and boundaries. I needed to tell someone the ending of the story. The headline of the story to be more precise. But I gave a bunch of super upsetting details along the way.

They told me to stop. I did.

But they got understandably upset. I started to panic and apologised.

But on the inside, I was having a complete meltdown. I wanted to go into another room and have the kind of meltdown that can be common when you’re autistic and can’t regulate your emotions in a difficult situation.

I didn’t. But I did cry. The other person told me it’s cool. I made a mistake, they set a boundary. They told me they won’t think or obsess about this again. But, they’re aware that I will, because of my autism.

They’re not wrong.

It’s been a day and I’ve obsessed and beat myself up about it and even poured through memories of when I’ve had these experiences with other people in the past and they were not so understanding or forgiving.

It’s hard.

Having autism is hard.

Having ADHD is hard.

Having both ADHD and autism?

It makes life incredibly challenging because you will find socialising, navigating a work environment and getting through the education system really difficult.

With regards to my social life, I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way due to my quirks which I now realise were the challenges from ADHD and autism.

What’s changed since then?

I had to advocate for myself and get referrals on the National Health Service (NHS) for ADHD and autism assessments.

Since being diagnosed I’ve done more research on both neurodiverse brain types.

Self awareness is really important.

I’m lucky that I have an incredible partner and great friends. I can be open with them about my autism and ADHD.

They are kind, patient and understanding.

They accept for who I am and let me be me.

In parallel I’m working hard to understand my neurodiversity better so I can make the most of my gifts and be of service to others.

Chemicals In My Brain Are Liars

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*Trigger warning* *Contains references to suicide*

This has been one of the most incredible weeks of my life.

I opened my heart to someone special. I did it without wanting anything in return, other than the desire for a more honest friendship.

I poemed the fucking shit™ out of people.

I grew closer to my daughter. 

A lifetime (almost 39 years) of performing for the validation of others is closing. I shaved my head to mark the milestone. 

I wake up in the morning and I’m happy with where my life is going. I take pleasure in my creativity. It’s where I’m at my happiest. When I’m writing my own story. 

This past week I have asked for what I want from people and I’ve done it respectfully. I’ve been firm but gentle. But the key breakthrough is that I’ve done it unapologetically. This didn’t happen overnight, I had to learn to do this, I had to give myself permission. 

As I began first drafting this, I was 4 hours away from turning 39. 

Without any warning, I turned suicidal.

Now let me preface this. I have ADHD and autism; I likely have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) too. I suffer from chronic depression and chronic anxiety. I have grappled with suicidal tendencies most of my life. 

You’d think I was prepared for this sudden suicidal turn? Not even close. 

This was one of the most violent suicidal mood swings I’ve felt since……shit….too many instances…but I remember one back in 2017….it was bad. So yeah, what I felt hours before my 39th birthday, it was the worst instance in almost 3 years. I had felt I’d banished such feelings, but no such luck this evening. 

It’s mad, there are so many suicidal turns I’ve taken in my life, but I find it fascinating that I’ve chosen the one in December 2017. I had just finished producing and project managing a music video for Eyes Open by Ty. 

This was a huge milestone for me. I had helped realise a music video for one of my favourite artists of all time. 

Just like the week preceding my 39th birthday, I reached a previously unexperienced peak moment in my life. Yet moments such as these are brought to an abrupt end with me shifting all of my energy and focus on fighting the urge to kill myself. 

I have to avoid the kitchen because it has knives. I have to hide my house keys so that I can’t go out and throw myself in front of oncoming traffic.

My solution to wanting to kill myself hours before I turn 39? I went to bed immediately. I can’t kill myself when I’m asleep. But also, when I’m asleep I can’t feel the sadness, despair, and pain.

That’s what suicide is. It’s a desire to turn the sadness, despair, and pain off. Permanently.

I went to bed and it helped. Early the next morning I got a message from a friend in Taiwan. She is a successful artist and grapples with mental health and suicidal ideation. She reminded me that I’m not alone and that I need to double down on my purpose. To inspire others with my art. 

She reminded me that the chemicals in my brain are liars. 

I’m here to remind you of this truth, just like my friend reminded me.

If you’re reading this, I appreciate you and I love you.

Thank you.



* The poemed the fucking shit™ is owned by the poet and writer Acafella