Keep Going

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I love Bryan Cranston.

Dude made me laugh hard for years in Malcolm in the Middle.

Then he gave a nuanced and interesting portrayal of Walter White in Breaking Bad.

That show and his character made me confront uncomfortable things about myself.

That’s what great storytellers do.

I’m about halfway through reading his memoir “A Life in Parts”.

It’s an honest and unpretentious (so far) of his journey as an actor, from childhood to present.

My big takeaway so far?

Don’t give up.

Focus on processes, not outcomes.

Know what matters to you.

I’ve failed at this often in the past. I’ve become fixated and driven by outcomes. It doesn’t work.

I gave up on following my heart and the creative path it desired in my mid 20s.

Your heart never forgets.

Mine didn’t.

No matter how hard I ran away or hid, my heart was too fucking loud.

You don’t have to do what I did.

I deferred my creative and artistic journey by a decade and a half. You don’t have to do the same.

Focus on processes, not outcomes.

Bryan Cranston’s career really took off when he become more focused on his craft. He just wanted to become a better actor.

He didn’t get upset when others landed opportunities he went for. He reached a point where he was genuinely when others landed gigs he went for!

He kept chipping away and focusing on his craft, on his love of acting.

It worked.

He landed Malcolm in the Middle and Breaking Bad in the same decade.

One role was in his 40s, the other in his 50s.

Know what matters to you.

This took me until much later in my life to realise.

You have to know yourself.

Do you know what you can and can’t live without?

I’ll leave you with this quote from Bryan Cranston:

“I didn’t want to spend my life doing something I was good at, but didn’t love.

I wanted to do something I loved, and hopefully become good at it.”

Living With Autism and ADHD

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I have autism and ADHD.

I’m 40 years old and I received my diagnosis for both conditions when I was 39 years old.

I won’t pretend to be a guru about either condition. I’m doing my best to furiously sprint up an insanely steep learning curve to understand both conditions.

Both neurodiverse brain types have great advantages (hyper – focus, creativity, etc) but they also come with challenges.

An inability to regulate is a major challenge. I struggle to regulate my focus (ADHD) and I struggle to regulate my emotions and reactions (ADHD and autism).

One of the things that has plagued me has been how to navigate social interactions.

I don’t always understand context or boundaries in conversation. If someone opens up and shares information with me, I do the same. But I don’t understand what I can and can’t share. I can’t figure out what details to include and what details to exclude.

Autism, or at least my experience with my autism, it makes me view things in a binary way.

You get all the details of my life or an anecdote or none.

This is tricky in social interactions because at best, you’ll bore the shit of someone.

Worst case scenario? You’ll upset someone because of details that could be triggering or just plain unnecessary.

I’ve lost friendships this way. Only recently I had a chat where I struggled with context and boundaries. I needed to tell someone the ending of the story. The headline of the story to be more precise. But I gave a bunch of super upsetting details along the way.

They told me to stop. I did.

But they got understandably upset. I started to panic and apologised.

But on the inside, I was having a complete meltdown. I wanted to go into another room and have the kind of meltdown that can be common when you’re autistic and can’t regulate your emotions in a difficult situation.

I didn’t. But I did cry. The other person told me it’s cool. I made a mistake, they set a boundary. They told me they won’t think or obsess about this again. But, they’re aware that I will, because of my autism.

They’re not wrong.

It’s been a day and I’ve obsessed and beat myself up about it and even poured through memories of when I’ve had these experiences with other people in the past and they were not so understanding or forgiving.

It’s hard.

Having autism is hard.

Having ADHD is hard.

Having both ADHD and autism?

It makes life incredibly challenging because you will find socialising, navigating a work environment and getting through the education system really difficult.

With regards to my social life, I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way due to my quirks which I now realise were the challenges from ADHD and autism.

What’s changed since then?

I had to advocate for myself and get referrals on the National Health Service (NHS) for ADHD and autism assessments.

Since being diagnosed I’ve done more research on both neurodiverse brain types.

Self awareness is really important.

I’m lucky that I have an incredible partner and great friends. I can be open with them about my autism and ADHD.

They are kind, patient and understanding.

They accept for who I am and let me be me.

In parallel I’m working hard to understand my neurodiversity better so I can make the most of my gifts and be of service to others.

I Struggle With Adult Life

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Quick note: This was written and drafted on July 30th, 2020. It’s taken me this long to let go and just share this piece. Here it is:

I’m lying in bed right now and I’m unable to sleep. In the morning I’ll wake up and it’ll be the last complete day I spend with my daughter Zaynub before she moves to Dubai with her mother. 

I wrote a blog post last year called “Love Is An Act of Sacrifice” and was meant to write a follow up not too long after…actually I was meant to write a follow up post almost immediately. It outlined what happened when I met my ex-wife to discuss Zaynub’s future and how I felt, the thoughts that I had to process. 

I started writing the post, but I just couldn’t bring myself to publish it, because that would mean really sitting down with the piece, editing it and having to think about it more. I didn’t know this at the time…I just know that I avoided the task of completing that blog post. Then I got busy writing other posts.

On March 8th I had dinner with my friend’s Sofia and Ty and we chopped it up over dinner, discussed my daughter’s impending move to Dubai that year. Expressing my feelings  with my big brother and big sister really helped me attain some peace.

During the pandemic, I had time to think. That wasn’t all I did. The pandemic was full of anxiety and grief and mourning too. I came close to losing my big sis and friend Sofia to the virus. I’ve documented Ty’s death in these posts Cosmic Dust, Tomorrow, Saying Goodbye, and Repressing Grief. I had a couple of friends in China were ill with Covid too. 

During the pandemic, I had time to think. I realised dealing with Zaynub moving away would be a two stage process. 

Stage One: Processing and accepting the idea of Zaynub leaving.

This took weeks, initially I would talk to others about this, but very quickly I decided to just keep this to myself. Dinner with Ty and Sofia helped me consolidate my thoughts and feelings after I’d done the important work of sitting with them myself. Free from anyone else’s influence and suggestions. 

Stage Two: Accepting and Adapting to the Reality of Zaynub leaving.

This is where I’m at now. At the time of me writing and drafting this, she will fly out to Dubai in a little over 24 hours from now. 

I’m teary and utterly overwhelmed with emotions. 

I knew that this day was coming and I knew a fresh wave of emotions would be visiting me. I just wasn’t aware it’d be more of a tsunami. 

The past few months have been a mixed bag, bittersweet:
I dealt with the loss of income due to the pandemic, just when I’d acquired a new skill that I think could completely change my life and finally enable me to pursue my dreams. 

I stressed over 4 friends who were hospitalised with Covid-19. I lost one of them to the virus, came close to losing 2 of them and 2 of them are still vulnerable and I still worry about them both.

My mental health has been tested to the limits and yet my understanding and self awareness around my mental health grows with each day. This enhanced understanding of my mental health is something I hope can benefit my friends whose patience, love and support I want to reciprocate. 

Part of this understanding has been facilitated by therapeutic counselling and as a result I’ve been referred and have started submitting paperwork to potentially explore diagnosis of ADHD and Autism. That’s a longer story and I’ll be exploring that in many more dedicated blog posts. 

The recent weeks have been the most trying of my life as I struggle to process grief, but they have a also been filled with pure joy as Zaynub and I have spent time together. 

We’ve laughed, joked, watched Rick and Morty. I read her some of my poetry and she genuinely loved it. We discussed my divorce with her mother. We discussed my own fractured and dysfunctional relationship with my family. 

Zaynub talked to me about my dreams and the importance of me following my dreams. 

We had a heart to heart about Ty’s death after Shortee Blitz delivered his instalment of “Pass the Torch” (an event held to remember Ty) and Zaynub held space for me to cry and let me hug her as I communicated my pain over Ty’s loss.

Zaynub has confided in me, I’ve confided in her. We’ve expressed how much we’re going to miss each other. 

I’ve acted as a chauffeur and chaperone with her and her friends as Zaynub has tried to squeeze in as much time with her close friends as possible before she has to say goodbye to them. 

I’ve felt love and pure joy. I’ve felt unconditional love. I’ve expressed unconditional love. 

Zaynub has been my anchor for the past (almost) 11 years. But children are not supposed to be tethered to their parents, not physically, nor emotionally.

It’s time to truly uphold the ideals of Kahlil Gibran’s poem “On Children”

On Children 

Your children are not your children 
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself 
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you

You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. 

You are the bows from which your children 
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far. 
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; 
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 
So He loves also the bow that is stable

Kahlil Gibran

Let this be my North Star as Zaynub’s father. 

Navigating Depression and ADHD as a Creative

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It’s 7am. I’m getting up.

Doesn’t sound unusual. Thing is, I went down for a nap at 6pm yesterday. I was tired.

Again, sounds normal and reasonable.

I have long Covid. I tested positive for Covid early December 2020. I was extremely ill for 2 weeks. It’s now the middle of May 2021. I’m still grappling with severe fatigue, breathlessness and severe hair loss.

Last night I was going to go out for a walk. It pelted down with rain and hail stone and the sky thundered and roared.

I stayed indoors.

At 6pm I decided to take a nap. I was trying to read “Own Your Own Weird” by Jason Zook, but was way too tired.

Pre long Covid, this nap would be brief and I’d wake up later in the evening, ready to be creative and productive.

Instead, I woke up 13 hours later.

I woke up, upset that I can’t this control this aspect of my health and my time.

I’m anxious as I’m waiting to hear back on some leads for paid work projects. They’ll get back to me. But for now, I can only focus on the silence in my email inbox.

I decided to load up Logic Pro X and open I beat I was making so I could share it online. These beats were made using presets, so I learnt the hard way that Logic Pro X does NOT save the presets you choose to make beats with when you save it.

When you make original compositions it saves everything. But not when you use presents, it just won’t.

I created 5 beats last week. All made and saved this way. Lost forever.

Last week, just before I took a break for Eid I was on a high. New leads for paid freelancing gigs, beats made…..lots of promise.

An artistic and creative path has ups and downs, twists and turns. For me, this is heavily exacerbated by my ADHD.

ADHD makes me far more susceptible to extreme highs and lows. Depressive episodes and lows are a lifelong companion.

Waking up to the kind of start I have today is often the recipe for very unproductive depressive episodes.

But I’ve been doing my morning pages this morning and gaining some clarity.

I’m feeling very down. Doesn’t take Colombo to figure that out.

But, I have leads for work. They’re likely busy. So I’ll park that anxiety to one side, or at least try to.

As for the lost beats. I’ll create again and I’ll write down the settings for beats made using presets on Logic Pro X, so I don’t repeat this mistake.

The lost time and fatigue from long Covid?

My body has been impacted by an unforgiving virus. My body needed the rest. I listened to my body. I need to be patient with my health.

Despite my current ADHD mood swing, essentially a depressive episode, I’m gonna try and push on today.

A creative path isn’t all bouncy castles every day.

I’m going to focus on what I can control today.

I’ll go out for a walk and work on some creative and paid freelancing goals and read.

I’ll “Keep Going”.

The pendulum will swing the other way.

If you’re an artist, a creative and / or have ADHD, know that you’re not alone navigating the ups and downs that come with what feels like a lonely path.

You’re not alone.

Keep Going.

We need you and your gifts.

Share them with us.

Let generosity be your North Star.

Repressing Grief

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I’m finally waking up.

This past week has been full of tears.

I’ve received knock backs. This isn’t new. I’ve heard “no” far more often than I’ve heard “yes”.

Despite this, I’ve been unusually teary.

I’ve become accustomed to shutting down my emotions this past year.

My close friend and favourite artist Ty passed away from Coronavirus last year.

On top of that, my ex-wife landed a great job abroad last year and wanted to move with to Dubai with my daughter to pursue this opportunity. I signed the consent forms for my daughter to move to Dubai.

It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. Anyways….

I’ve repressed my feelings about both of these seismic changes in my life.

I’ve done it as a survival mechanism.

However, this past week, that’s been changing.

I’ve felt more. Albeit painful shit, tears and even anger.

Last week was May 7th, the one year anniversary of Ty’s transition.

The night before the anniversary I felt anger and rage at some negative developments in my personal life. This particular problem has been ongoing. My partner has felt rage on my behalf, yet up until earlier last week I’ve been repressing my feelings under the guise of stoicism.

But the night of May 6th, the night before Ty’s anniversary, I finally felt rage, hurt, pain, loss and tears.

The next morning before I went out to Lambeth Cemetery and Brixton to celebrate Ty’s life I took a phone call from a friend. For 2 hours we hatted and I let myself cry about losing Ty.

I’ve spent a year fearful of my emotions. It’s stunted me. People would asking how I’m doing. People would ask how I’m coping with my daughter living in another country. I’d like to people.

“I’m ok…..It is what it is….I’m just getting on with it….”

May 7th, I felt a shift. I cried on the phone to my friend about losing Ty.

Then I attended a celebration on Ty’s life and finally expressed my grief in front of other people. I cried without any self restraint. It was cathartic.

I was asked about my daughter and I finally gave an honest answer.

“I’m struggling….I miss her….I don’t know when I’ll see her next.”

I’ve given into my feelings. I’m not trying to resist my sadness and my grief.

This is my 2nd blog post since January. Both posts were written within days of each other over the past week.

My block is lifting. It’s not a coincidence. I’m not hiding from my grief anymore.

I’m lying to other people a little less.

Importantly, I’m lying to myself a little less.

More honesty and less self deception going forward.

Two Reasons Why I Still Buy Music

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I still buy music.

I care about supporting artists.

Which is why you’ll find me on Bandcamp and iTunes buying a lot of new music.

Today, I picked up a couple of bits.

Nah by D.Tail and Turkish Dcypha (single).

We Will Rise by Blue Lab Beats (EP).

D.Tail is someone I connected with on social media, then got to meet at Shay D’s Word on the Street open mic in London.

It took me a while before I was ready to properly listen to his music.

Ty, the legendary rapper and producer from Brixton was a huge fan of D.Tail.

Ty once said:

“There are 3 UK MCs who gave me goosebumps when I first heard them rhyme:

Klashnekoff

Durrty Goodz

D.Tail.”

It’s not hard to see why. If Eminem, MF DOOM and Kool Keith (Ultramagnetic MCs) had a threesome, D.Tail would be the baby that’d come out of that madness.

He has an insane flow, crazy humour and no shortage of personality. When you hear him rhyme, you. know it’s him. He stands out. Plus his quotable lines. Here’s my favourite on this track:

“How many ghostwriters does it take to write a Drake verse?”

Turkish Dcypha‘s beat is energetic, with frantic hi hats, great drum programming and speaker rattling bass lines.

He’s definitely one of the most prolific hip hop producers in the UK.

I wanna see both D.Tail and Turkish Dcypha receive their flowers while they’re still around.

As for Blue Lab Beats….they have a special place in my heart. When I first met my partner, we’d exchange links to songs and music videos constantly. My secret weapon to impress her?

Blue Lab Beats.

I sent her music videos for Ooo La La and Hi There.

Ooh La La’s video prompted discussions with my partner about our favourite pies and our shared love of gravy (just watch the video!).

Hi There’s music video had my partner sharing her love of 70s clothing.

Let’s not forget how utterly incredible Blue Lab Beats’ music was too in those music videos!

Blue Lab Beats create jazz. You can hear the influence of hip hop in the grooves and virtuoso NK.OK’s otherworldly drum programming. It’s well worth checking out his Instagram account to see his finger drumming abilities which are up there with Beatsbyjblack, another renowned finger drummer.

NK.OK creates the rhythmic foundation for David Mrakpor aka Mr DM, a multi instrumentalist who is an absolute wizard. He’s like King Midas but with musical instruments.

Their We Will Rise EP opens with Blow You Away (Delilah). It’s got a lovely summer vibe to it. It’s the soundtrack to good times and great weather.

Nights in Havana has a lovely drum beat accompanied by Mr DM’s guitar licks and keyboard playing that would make Kaidi Taitham stand up and take notice.

The EP continues with We Will Rise, the title track. It’s hard to pick a favourite when each track is so strong and brings something unique.

Blue Lab Beats don’t just slap a collection of songs together. Great care has been put into the sequencing of this EP. you’re taken on a journey. Like watching a movie.

In fact, I’d love to see them score a movie.

If you want to ensure great music continues to thrive and artists like D.Tail, Turkish Cypha and Blue Lab Beats, find ways to financially support them. Buy their music, go to their gigs, find their Patreon if they have one, buy their merchandise.

I love artists, I love supporting them and I’ll continue to do it with my wallet and using any platform I have, like this blog to celebrate them and spread the word.

Building a New Life

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I’m currently re-reading “The Illusion of Money” by Kyle Cease. 

I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to build a creative career in the 21st century. It’s full of wisdom and insight.

While re-reading it earlier this evening I came across a passage where he says:

“An architect can’t build a brand-new hotel right on top of an existing old one – he needs to demolish the old one, clear it out of the way, and prepare ground for the new one……”

He’s not wrong. At all. 

I’ve made difficult decisions in the past 4 years. 

I walked away from my marriage. I no longer live with my daughter who I love more than anyone else in the world. 

I’ve struggled and continue to struggle as I navigate changes and build the life I want to. 

A new life, one that is better would result in a different story. One very different to the story of my past life.

Thing is, I’m not sure if I’ve managed to kick my addiction to the old story I’ve become attached to about my old life. 

Sure, a tonne of bad shit has happened to me in my past. Hell, I’m writing a long form fictional story based on my past and I routinely find myself upset and triggered when revisiting past memories and events as I mine them for artistic gold. 

There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the past and the bad things that happened there.

But that past is full of very negative and unhelpful stories and narratives I accepted about myself. Those self limiting beliefs resulted in low self esteem, constantly putting myself in incredibly harmful and abusive situations, whether that was jobs, bosses, friendships etc. 

It’s hard though, and I don’t think I’m alone on this. When hearing negative and abusive shit about yourself becomes so common from the people around you who are supposed to love and support you, you’ll internalise those toxic and destructive beliefs. 

But those beliefs are out of sync with who I want to be. 

I’m currently experiencing blocks, obstacles in the way of me becoming who I want to be and building the kind of life I want. A life full of creativity, joy and love. 

I need to work on eroding those beliefs, consigning them to the dust bin. A new house is eager to be built. I need to resume demolishing the old one first. I thought I was done, but I’m not. 

I need to work harder at demolishing the old building. 

I need to work harder at laying the old stories I tell myself and believe to rest. 

Only then will the obstacles I currently face in my artistic and creative journey melt away. 

oh baby..revisited

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I love surprises! Don’t you?

I especially love it when those surprises spring from the same well.

“oh baby” by LCD Soundsystem. It’s a sublime song. I spoke about the joy of hearing it for the first time in my last post.

Another thing that gives me joy is storytelling. Particularly visual storytelling. Films, long form TV shows and when it’s done well, music videos.

For the past 2 years and 4 months I’ve been revisiting “oh baby” on Spotify.

I never once thought to go onto YouTube and look for its music video. However, I chanced upon it a few days ago. I’d been dissociating* again. It wasn’t fun. But once again art pierced through and allowed light to seep into me.

The music video is a short film set to music. I wish more musicians did this rather than use music videos as a promotional tool for their songs.

As I watch the opening frames of the video lead from pencils makes marks on paper. I’m then greeted by the stars of this story, David Strathairn and Sissy Spacek. They’re scientists working on a teleportation device and they’re in love with each other.

Because it’s set to music, there’s no dialogue. But their love is visible in each frame. Each shot and scene conveys more than any dialogue ever could.

This is why I want to be a screenwriter. Telling a story in pictures is an art form and the director, Rian Johnson delivers a poignant masterclass.

Sissy Spacek and David Strathairn‘s devotion to each other…..I can’t take my eyes off of them. I really can’t. I can’t help but care deeply about them. I wanna see them win in their pursuit of creating a teleportation machine.

Seconds and minutes elapse and I travel through time and space.

Intrigue draws me in, enchantment keeps me there and I return to my life with sorrow.

I process it all and I walk away with hope.

I’m crying.
I’m emotional.
I’m inspired.

oh baby

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I love surprises! Don’t you?

With my head hunched down at my laptop in a trendy office I hummed “oh baby….”

The sounds of hypnotic synths travelled through the room.

“What song is this?” I asked my colleague.

“It’s ‘oh baby’ by LCD Soundsystem” she replied.

For decades I’ve struggled with dissociation*. I’ve found it hard to feel. Joy has been hard to come by.

This was NOT one of those moments. An honest piece of art can disrupt you and heal you. It can act as a form of therapy.

Music does that for me.

Find something that does that for you.

It’ll act as a balm for your spirit.



*You can find more information about dissociation at this link.

Jump Starting a Car – Take #2

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So, I wrote my last blog post “Jump Starting a Car” hoping it’d I could bring some momentum back to this blog. I published it a few days back and shared it several days afterwards. But I wrote it back in November.

I didn’t make good on the intentions I set in that post and on 30th December, on the cusp of a New Year I started writing this blog post.

I want to get back to this blog. I want to get back to just writing for the joy of it and sharing it with people. I want to get back to the freedom that comes with not being attached with the outcome of my writing.

After almost 3 years of consistent procrastination I began blogging in February 2020. It was one of the most surprisingly satisfying creative experiences I’ve had.

In my last post I set an intention. I’d share more of my old published work and that I’d write more new work. Not only did I not do that, but as I’ve admitted here, I wrote that back in November and didn’t even publish it until the end of December. I wasn’t brave enough to share it until the first week of January 2021.

Periodically in 2020 I’ve shifted between these 3 states:

1.) Writing, publishing and sharing my work.
2.) Writing, but not publishing and sharing my work.
3.) Not writing at all.

I need to get better at publishing and sharing my work. It’s not good enough to just write a draft in long hand in my notepad. It needs to go onto this blog almost immediately.

Often I just refuse to publish and share as there’s usually something I’ve promised in the blog post. Sometimes it’s a companion piece or a follow up blog post.

I’m scared to publish the first piece of work that has already been drafted as I’m scared of letting myself and others down by not following through on the next piece of work.

I promise I’ll publish and share work I’ve written in the past year (and beyond in some cases).

I’ve overcome a huge internal barrier just by starting this blog back in February 2020. For the first time ever I’ve published and shared my work.

But I’m still wrestling with fear.

I’m still scared to share my writing if it’s not perfect.

I make references in my work to follow up pieces I’ll create and then I don’t publish the original work. It’s because I’m scared of not delivering the follow up. It’s a madness.

And so what if I don’t…at least to begin with or ever…It can’t be worse than holding back work that’s already complete.

Seth Godin is right. Not sharing creative work is utterly selfish.

Letting my fear and ego get in the way of sharing creative work that could help others is selfish.

That’s the opposite of why I write and create art.

Time to get over myself and to get back to creating and sharing.